My feet took a walk in heavenly grass.
All day while the sky shone clear as glass.
My feet took a walk in heavenly grass,
All night while the lonesome stars rolled past.
Then my feet come down to walk on earth,
And my mother cried when she give me birth.
Now my feet walk far and my feet walk fast,
But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.
But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.
2. Today I walked past an upstairs window in my house, and caught a glimpse of the brick wall of the house next door. For a split second I actually thought I was back in my New York apartment, where the brick wall of the building across the air shaft was my constant view.
3. I thought about New York again when a contractor came to put in a new front door. He is my across-the-street neighbor's father-in-law. The guy who paints your apartment in New York is always your super's father-in-law (sometimes his brother-in-law; sometimes both). These in-laws rarely speak much English; nor did the father-in-law who came today. The difference was that this father-in-law was Greek, and the New York fathers-in-law are usually Serbian or Dominican.
4. On Sunday I was so overcome with loneliness that I stood at my kitchen sink in Northern Appalachia and bawled like a child. It's been nearly three years, and I still feel like I'm floating, untethered, in space. But I tell myself how much better it is for children to be here, and it is, especially for children, like my son, with special needs. Though I've considered homeschooling him, I know he needs to be with other children, and, though I'm an experienced teacher (albeit of older students), I'm not an occupational, speech, or physical therapist. He is getting a panoply of services through our local school in the fall, including a one-on-one aide in his mainstream kindergarten classroom. He wouldn't get that in New York. No one gets one-on-one aides anymore. Parents with means generally send their special-needs children to private school, and then sue the city for tuition reimbursement. The city usually settles, because even private-school tuition in New York City is less expensive than a one-on-one classroom aide.
Today was a beautiful day, and we spread a picnic blanket and had our lunch in the backyard. Though my son generally prattles on constantly, a rare peace settled over us as we turned our faces to the sun and listened to the breeze rustling the maples and copper beeches. I let myself relax for about five minutes, which is something I would never do in New York. I thought where we would be at that time on that day if we had remained there: probably at a playground, which would require me to be on the continual qui-vive. I have heard that, when your children are of school age, you can make friends with other mothers at pick-up time. I wonder if that will happen for me.
5. Heimweh, as you will know if you're an aficionado of German romantic poetry and music (or if you read this blog regularly), is often translated as "homesickness," a spiritual yearning for the home to which the sufferer can no longer return. Nevertheless, the term, which originated in seventeenth-century Switzerland, was coined to describe the actual physical illness, sometimes resulting in death, experienced by Swiss regiments when they were stationed far from the Alps. "To ward off [this debilitating] nostalgia, Swiss soldiers were forbidden to play, sing, or even whistle Alpine tunes," because Alpine melodies "haunted the hearer with 'an image of the past which is at once definite and unattainable.'"
Perhaps Heimweh is, itself, a kind of disability.
6. Baritone William Sharp and pianist Stephen Blier sing and play Paul Bowles's haunting setting of Williams's "Heavenly Grass":
Above: Community garden in East Harlem.
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